When I am with you now
I feel smoke-tainted words drift from my mouth.
Each vowel, each time I utter you,
I exhale sinister, silver-screen smoke rings.
This space, here,
This place for damp intimacy,
Is nothing now but a crematorium,
From which I blow ashes in your face.
The fire that burned here,
Between when I held you
And when it stopped,
Is gone.
All that is left,
Simple desert lips that brand
your skin with every
touch.
So I breathe, and I give you
this, and this, and this.
The ashes of my words to scatter in a blow,
The shape of a kiss.
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Comments
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You can't always get what you want.
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x_.You cry out loud when you're restless in the dark, I love the way you feel, you love the way I make you forget._x
I think it's the dark mood and that you are keeping on the subject very good while finding many ways of looking at it, all the ways very similar but still different enough to not make it feel repetitive.
There is one part I do have some problems with though, "each time I utter you", (but that may be because I've never hear the word "utter" used this way), to me that reads "each time I say you" (say "you"?).
Would you care to explain maybe?
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"Everything I have written may be wrong."
Thank you =]
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x_.You cry out loud when you're restless in the dark, I love the way you feel, you love the way I make you forget._x
If you ask me I'd say that you should not be afraid quotation marks
But I understand what you mean...
So IMO you should keep it but be aware of the difficulty of that line
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"Everything I have written may be wrong."
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x_.You cry out loud when you're restless in the dark, I love the way you feel, you love the way I make you forget._x
the alliteration is fabulous.
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