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How I Kiss You by ~raven1708:iconraven1708:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open


When I am with you now
I feel smoke-tainted words drift from my mouth.
Each vowel, each time I utter you,
I exhale sinister, silver-screen smoke rings.
  This space, here,
  This place for damp intimacy,
  Is nothing now but a crematorium,
  From which I blow ashes in your face.
The fire that burned here,
Between when I held you
And when it stopped,
Is gone.
  All that is left,
  Simple desert lips that brand
  your skin with every
  touch.
So I breathe, and I give you
             this, and this, and this.
The ashes of my words to scatter in a blow,
                          The shape of a kiss.
Creative Commons License
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Submitted: May 15, 2008
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Comments: 7
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=whydoidothiseveryday:iconwhydoidothiseveryday: May 15, 2008, 2:45:28 AM
beautiful :)
x

--
You can't always get what you want.
~raven1708:iconraven1708: May 15, 2008, 3:02:56 AM
Thanks =]

x

--
x_.You cry out loud when you're restless in the dark, I love the way you feel, you love the way I make you forget._x
~Zacha:iconZacha: May 15, 2008, 5:16:34 AM
I like this. I don't know really why but I like this one.

I think it's the dark mood and that you are keeping on the subject very good while finding many ways of looking at it, all the ways very similar but still different enough to not make it feel repetitive.
There is one part I do have some problems with though, "each time I utter you", (but that may be because I've never hear the word "utter" used this way), to me that reads "each time I say you" (say "you"?).
Would you care to explain maybe? =)

--
"Everything I have written may be wrong."
~raven1708:iconraven1708: May 15, 2008, 7:47:43 AM
Yeah, I should really have written "Each time I utter "you"" because I mean to say the word you, but I thought that if I left it opened it would make the action seem bigger. So instead of just saying the word, you're saying the person... I'm not quite sure what I was aiming for there...

Thank you =]

--
x_.You cry out loud when you're restless in the dark, I love the way you feel, you love the way I make you forget._x
~Zacha:iconZacha: May 15, 2008, 8:17:00 AM
Ah, it was as I guessed then.
If you ask me I'd say that you should not be afraid quotation marks ;)
But I understand what you mean...
So IMO you should keep it but be aware of the difficulty of that line =)

--
"Everything I have written may be wrong."
~raven1708:iconraven1708: May 15, 2008, 9:05:04 AM
I'll keep it in mind, thank you much :D

--
x_.You cry out loud when you're restless in the dark, I love the way you feel, you love the way I make you forget._x
~wellwornwings:iconwellwornwings: Jun 6, 2008, 6:36:54 AM
amazing.

the alliteration is fabulous.
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